It's Halloween and everyone's out trick-or-treating. A bartender is working the late-night shift at the bar. He looks outside and sees everyone in crazy costumes. He sighs and picks up a glass and starts cleaning it.
At around midnight, a guy in a vampire costume walks in and sits at the bar. He says to the bartender "Hi. I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."
The bartender looks at him skeptically. "No you're not. You're just wearing a costume."
"No, no, really," he insists. "I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."
"Alright," the bartender says. He goes in the back and comes out with a cup of blood. He gives it to the vampire who drinks it right away.
"Thanks," he says, and leaves.
An hour later another vampire comes in and sits at the bar. He says "Hi, I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."
"Okay," the bartender says and goes in the back again. He comes out with another cup of blood. He gives it to the vampire who drinks it and leaves with a 'thanks'.
An hour later a third vampire comes in and sits at the bar. "Hi," he says to to the bartender. "I'm a vam..."
"I know, I know," the bartender interrupts. "You're a vampire and you want a cup of blood right?"
"Um, no," the vampire answers. "I AM a vampire, but I'd just like a glass of hot water please."
"Sure" the bartender says. He pours him a glass of hot water. As he gives it to the vampire he says "You know, there were two vampires that came in before you that wanted blood. How come you're just asking for water?"
Without answering the vampire reaches into his pocket and pulls out a used band-aid.
"Tea time."
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Rabu, 20 April 2011
A Chick With Long Legs
A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender asks for their order.
The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have a beer too" says the ostrich.
The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says "I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This became a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the bartender."Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large Scotch" says the man. "Same for me" says the ostrich. "That will be $7.20" says the bartender. Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.
The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found this old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever needed to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money will be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!""That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk, or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
"That's fantastic!" says the bartender. "You are a genius! ... Oh, one other thing sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man replies, "Oh, my second wish was for a chick with long legs."
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The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have a beer too" says the ostrich.
The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says "I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This became a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the bartender."Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large Scotch" says the man. "Same for me" says the ostrich. "That will be $7.20" says the bartender. Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.
The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found this old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever needed to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money will be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!""That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk, or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
"That's fantastic!" says the bartender. "You are a genius! ... Oh, one other thing sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man replies, "Oh, my second wish was for a chick with long legs."
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Men Quotes
Why did God create men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn.
Madonna
All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others.
Henry Youngman
To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior'.
Rita Rudner
This guy says, 'I'm perfect for you, because I'm a cross between a macho and a sensitive man.'
I said, 'Oh, a gay trucker?'
Judy Tenuta
Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speech by something outside himself -- like, for instance, he can't find any clean socks.
Jean Kerr
Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work or prison.
Tim Allen
I love men, even though they're lying, cheating scumbags.
Gwyneth Paltrow
source
Madonna
All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others.
Henry Youngman
To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior'.
Rita Rudner
This guy says, 'I'm perfect for you, because I'm a cross between a macho and a sensitive man.'
I said, 'Oh, a gay trucker?'
Judy Tenuta
Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speech by something outside himself -- like, for instance, he can't find any clean socks.
Jean Kerr
Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work or prison.
Tim Allen
I love men, even though they're lying, cheating scumbags.
Gwyneth Paltrow
source
Writers Quotes
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
Tom Clancy
I never know what I think about something until I read what I've written on it.
William Faulkner
I handed in a script last year and the studio didn't change one word. The word they didn't change was on page 87.
Steve Martin
I have always been a huge admirer of my own work. I'm one of the funniest and most entertaining writers I know.
Mel Brooks
It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.
Robert Benchley
A writer is congenitally unable to tell the truth and that is why we call what he writes fiction.
William Faulkner
The free-lance writer is the person who is paid per piece or per word or perhaps.
Robert Benchley
source
Tom Clancy
I never know what I think about something until I read what I've written on it.
William Faulkner
I handed in a script last year and the studio didn't change one word. The word they didn't change was on page 87.
Steve Martin
I have always been a huge admirer of my own work. I'm one of the funniest and most entertaining writers I know.
Mel Brooks
It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.
Robert Benchley
A writer is congenitally unable to tell the truth and that is why we call what he writes fiction.
William Faulkner
The free-lance writer is the person who is paid per piece or per word or perhaps.
Robert Benchley
source
Work Quotes
The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work.
Robert Frost
The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse
Dennis Miller
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
Edgar Bergen
Doing nothing is very hard to do...you never know when you're finished.
Leslie Nielsen
The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning you're on the job.
Slappy White
I only go to work on days that don't end in a 'y'.
Robert Paul
It's just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.
Muhammad Ali
A good rule of thumb is if you've made it to thirty-five and your job still requires you to wear a name tag, you've made a serious vocational error.
Dennis Miller
I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.
Jerome K Jerome
Robert Frost
The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse
Dennis Miller
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
Edgar Bergen
Doing nothing is very hard to do...you never know when you're finished.
Leslie Nielsen
The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning you're on the job.
Slappy White
I only go to work on days that don't end in a 'y'.
Robert Paul
It's just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.
Muhammad Ali
A good rule of thumb is if you've made it to thirty-five and your job still requires you to wear a name tag, you've made a serious vocational error.
Dennis Miller
I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.
Jerome K Jerome
Age Quotes
I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type.
Bob Hope
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two...
Sir Norman Wisdom
Yes, time flies. And where did it leave you? Old too soon...smart too late.
Mike Tyson
You know you're getting fat when you can pinch an inch on your forehead.
John Mendoza
As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer.
Robert Quillen
People say that age is just a state of mind. I say it's more about the state of your body.
Geoffrey Parfitt
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Bob Hope
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two...
Sir Norman Wisdom
Yes, time flies. And where did it leave you? Old too soon...smart too late.
Mike Tyson
You know you're getting fat when you can pinch an inch on your forehead.
John Mendoza
As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer.
Robert Quillen
People say that age is just a state of mind. I say it's more about the state of your body.
Geoffrey Parfitt
source
A Really Bad Day
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
source
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
source
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